Monday, August 28, 2006

Notes from this weekend.

OK, so this weekend sucked. I apologize for the frankness of that statement, but it's the only word to describe it. If you don't understand what I mean, then go down to your local video store, go to the back in the comedy section and rent the movie "From the Hip" starring Judd Nelson. Watch the first part of it and you will understand what I mean. Warning, this was before the PG-13 rating...it should be.

However, I learned a great deal. Here are some random notes in no particular order:

  • I'm not 26 anymore, or 36 for that matter. I gladly helped a friend move Saturday morning but just about threw my back out. However, it was worth it, it was one of the best things I did this weekend.

  • I'm not going to be able to learn guitar as quickly as I had hoped. I got really far pretty quickly, but I've come to a impasse. I'm going to have to get some lessons if I want to be good enough for anything but playing for the dog...like that's going to go over well. That stinks because... (see next)

  • Choir is boring this year...at least so far...OK, not boring but, not exciting either. I love to sing and it's not like I'm going to quit because I love the people and singing anything at this point is enough. I just have something in my heart that is dying to come out, I want to find some way to express it.

  • If I don't fix some things in my personal life I am going to lose a great deal. I don't know how I am going to do it, but I have to. I have been praying a great deal about it and I hope The Lord has something planned for me because I don't have any answers...

  • I need to get used to not always agreeing with things I hear at Church or in Worship. Yesterday, one of the elders baptized a woman. It was a beautiful event, I never get tired of witnessing a baptism. However, his wording bothers me. He said that what she was doing was a "public form of what she had already done in her heart". On a very simple level and with people of strong faith and understanding I can agree with that statement. But, it leads those who do not quite understand God's plan of salvation to a conclusion that baptism is just a way of showing the rest of the world that you are already saved. Once you go down that road you can also conclude that it's optional...it's not. "Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned." Mark 16:16 Yes, the believing comes first, but the baptism is part of the salvation.

  • I'm scared...I'm really scared.

  • My image of family and Church must change for me to survive. It's going to be hard.

  • I might as well accept my station in life and stick with what I am good at.

  • I'm going to have to learn how to be happy being alone.

  • "All hat and no cattle" - that's what my friend said when he was talking about a client that may or may not come up with the funding for a project he wants. Now, that's funny...

  • I have lost all of my mentors because of the choices I have made regarding my faith.

  • "Joy is not when everything is wonderful, it's when you know God is in control"

There you have it. There are more, but they are too personal. I'm almost glad to see Monday.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Not so slow?

About a year ago I wrote about how slow I was that I got a simple concept. That it's not wrong to talk with others about your faith if you know they don't agree with you.

Well, I found myself in just such a place this week, talking with a co-worker over lunch. I had been looking forward to this for a few days because some of our conversations around the office had hints of things to come. The old me would have steered clear of such discussions as quickly as possible, avoiding any awkward moments when I find out the person across from me believes much differently than I.

This time I was actually looking forward to listening to what he had to say. I knew going into it that he would most likely say some things that I would not agree with, but so what! It turned out to be a very interesting conversation...two guys looking towards the same goal. Yes, we are taking different routes, but I loved to hear about his journey. It was exciting to find that despite our differences we had much in common.

Just think of how many of these conversations I missed over the years...

Monday, August 21, 2006

Limitations

OK, so I'm 40-something... I don't particularly feel old, but I'm starting to understand a bit about my own limitations.

It turns out I'm a geek. Now, that's not such a bad thing it's just who I am. Luckily, I'm not a nerd. (You know the difference between a "geek" and a "nerd"? A "geek" actually gets things done) This realization is starting to help me to feel OK with what I can't do.

For example, I know now that I will never be a wide receiver in the NFL (too bad, that would have really been cool). It is very unlikely that I will ever be the CEO of a fortune 500 company. I won't walk on the Moon, climb Mt. Everest or star in a major motion picture. These are all things that were long shots anyway...they don't bother me so much (although, it would have REALLY been cool to catch just one pass...).

However, the part that's starting to wear on me are the little things. I push and push to do something or to be a certain way and mostly what I get is resistance, disappointment..."maybe next time". I want very much to have a release for a side of me that I know is there, one that is...uplifting. I want to share a part of me that is screaming to get out, but there is little or no platform for it to manifest itself. Maybe I overestimate my abilities? Maybe I just need to stick with what I do best...stare at a computer screen and write code that makes it do things that others need so they can be productive.

Problem is...a computer doesn't have feelings or a soul. It doesn't talk back or lift up, it just takes what you give it and spits it back out.

Maybe I'm just a big fish from a little pond that got picked up, and moved to a really big pond...with really big fish...

Friday, August 04, 2006

Deception

It's been a rough couple of days. A dear friend of mine had his heart ripped out, kicked and spit on. She deceived us all...especially you.

You know me, a song comes to mind...

In The End
Linkin Park

(It starts with)
One thing I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried
so hard

And got so far
But in the end It doesn't even matter
I had to fall To lose it all
But in the end It doesn't even matter

One thing I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I
I tried so hard

And got so far
But in the end It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall To lose it all
But in the end It doesn’t even matter

I’ve put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this There’s only one thing you should know
I’ve put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard And got so far
But in the end It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end It doesn’t even matter
"...Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:7-18