Sunday, February 25, 2007


In the movie "The Replacements", the coach asks the team what they are afraid of. Falco, the quarterback - played by Keanu Reeves, says

"Quicksand...something bad happens. That bad event leads to
another, then another, soon the feeling of quicksand. The more you
try to get out, the more it feels like you are sinking even deeper. "

I'm familiar with the quicksand...I tend to step into it a lot. It especially happens when things are going well. I just start to get my footing on solid ground, my steps feeling more and more solid...feeling confident...and then I trip.

Sometimes I catch myself and keep going, but other times by trying to catch myself I make things worse. I reach for support around me and I miss or I reach for something that offers little or no support. Other times there is just nothing there to reach for, I look around, swinging my arms, pinwheeling hoping that I will find something. Then, crash!

I fall into the quicksand.

At first I am somewhat confident that I can step out, but the quicksand is thick and the harder I try to get out the more I lose my balance. I reach for the sides where there is solid ground, but I miss or I just get grass in my hands. Then I try to take a step out and then I sink deeper into the muck. Now I'm up to my armpits trying to get out, but now I can feel the pit sucking me down.

My attempts to get out make things worse. My actions get more and more exaggerated and then I start making bad decisions. My mind takes what started off as a small stumble and turns it into the "worst case scenario" and now I can't turn my mind off. It's going a mile a minute, feeding me with fear and hopelessness. It's worse when it's quiet. For most people, they want get away and think. For me, that's the worst thing, my mind is screaming at me and when I'm alone and it's quiet that's all I can hear...what I need is reassurance,

That's how it happens. The rest is always different, depending on the circumstances. I want to cover up the hole - fill it with concrete...for good.

Sunday, February 18, 2007


Remember the story of Zacchaeus? I heard it again today during our worship service. It's one of those almost "forgettable" accounts in the Bible about a man touched by Jesus in Luke 19.

As a kid we sang "Zacchaeus was wee little man...", but Zacchaeus was not just short, but was also a person that was governed by the will of Satan. He wanted to meet Jesus and once that happened... Have you ever wondered what happened on Satan's end that day? That day, Satan lost and lost big. Imagine a large corporation just finding out that one of their biggest clients just broke off from them and went to their competitor. This was bad news, and hard to take.

Here's how it might have went when Satan heard the news from one of his assistants:

Assistant: "Sir, a problem."
Satan: "What's going on, can't you see I'm busy?"
Assistant: "We've lost Zacchaeus"
Satan: "What do you mean by 'LOST'? I just talked to him the other day and he was fine. A bit distracted, but nothing out of the ordinary."
Assistant: "We lost him"
Satan: "Nonsense, Zacchaeus is one of our best and oldest clients, have you tried calling him?"
Assistant: "He's not answering his phone, in fact, all we get is a recording saying that the line is been disconnected."
Satan: "Oh, this is no big deal, have you sent some agents to remind him of his past?"
Assistant: "Of course! We sent our best men and we thought we had him for a minute but he just told them to go away."
Satan: (Now pacing)"Watch your tone with me. What about taking things away from him? That usually works."
Assistant: "Forget it. He's already done it himself, he's given almost all of the stuff you gave him back to Jesus and others that he has taken from in the past."
Satan: "Ahh, we'll just wait him out, we have time. He'll come back after he sees how hard it is and the stuff he misses."
Assistant: "I hope you are right, if Jesus keeps this up he's going to put us out of business."
Satan: "Yeah, well at least we still have Saul of Tarsus..."

Monday, February 12, 2007

The Cops!

I think I may have mentioned well over a year ago that I cried the day I realized that I had purchased the last Police CD that there was. No more new Police material, I had heard everything they had made.

I can honestly still remember the day that I bought "Outlandos d'Amour" at Fairlaine Town Center. I rushed home and just about wore out the grooves in the vinyl (yes is was vinyl), I mean this was least 10 years before they started thinking bout CDs (I think I was 14). I can remember being shocked by "Be My Girl - Sally" and otherwise just realizing that I was listening to something completely different that I had never heard before. I was hooked.

Up until a couple weeks ago I just assumed we'd never hear from them as a group again. I mean it's one thing for the Eagles to get back together, but The Police?!? I mean they made if very clear that it wasn't ever going to happen.

Then here comes the 49th Grammys and then the rumors that they may be touring again. I have never "camped out" for concert tickets, but this just might get me there. Of course, the chance of them coming anywhere close to here are 1) SLIM and 2) NONE.

The next thing you know Van Halen will tour again with David Lee Roth...

If I really push my luck, The Talking Heads will have a reunion tour...

**** Tuesday, 2/13

It's worse than I thought. Not only are they not coming anywhere CLOSE to here, it wouldn't matter anyway. The estimated RETAIL price of a ticket is going to be OVER $200!! The most I ever paid for a concert was to see Sting play at Ovens Auditorium (seats about 5,000) and that was $90 (that was a REAL splurge for me). At $225 that's a $1.50 a minute!

I'll just keep listening to my CDs...

Friday, February 09, 2007


It's amazing how God uses people and how he loves his children. I just read something that sent chills up my spine. You can spend your whole life studying the Bible, but there are so many layers to it that it can take many lifetimes to study them all. I read something today that peeled another layer back for me.

Methuselah was the oldest man in recorded history, he lived 969 years (almost 10 centuries!). He was the grandfather of Noah and ironically, he died just DAYS before the flood started.

10 centuries of life and he happens to die just before God wipes the slate clean? A coincidence? There is no such thing in the Bible, no reason to record such a thing. Besides, that would be SOME coincidence!

Then you add to that the meaning of his name, "when he dies, it shall be sent". 10 centuries before the flood, 849 years before God came to Noah, Enoch gave Methuselah this name. Wow.

Now all that makes sense, I have heard it in bits and pieces before, but think about this (I also read this too, not my idea). Maybe that's why Methuselah lived so long. God loves his children and he did not want them to perish, he wanted them to come back to Him so he gave them more time, and more time, and more time. And, since he had already setup Methuselah to be the precursor of this event, he lengthened his life.

Methuselah's long life was not a just freak of nature, but God kept him alive because he wanted his people to come back to him and if Methuselah died he would have to do what he did not want to do.

Wow. Sometimes I just have to be hit squarely in the head with something to see it.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

The (bottom of) Hole

For most of my adult life (not all of it) I have felt as though I've been on a mission to get out of the hole that I am in.

Most times, I am crawling up the side of the pit, getting mud in my fingernails as a try to reach the top of the hole. Other times, my strength weakens and I just can't keep up and I slide down some.

There have been a few times that I have reached the top of the pit and been able to look, briefly, back into it and even glimpse at the view of the grassy field outside of the pit. Each time this has happened, I have taken a wrong step and found myself back in the pit. Then, as I struggle to get back out, it just makes things worse and I fall deeper.

Lately, I have come to a terrible realization...this pit has a bottom. At the bottom is a swirling drain full of muddy water. It's a vortex that sucks all the stuff that falls to the bottom of the pit into...well I don't know where...I can't possibly think about where it goes.

The point is, for the first time in my life, I'm in the drain, I'm swirling around in this muddy water and I keep reaching for the sides of the wall so I can hang on to something. Occasionally, I find something to hold on to, but down here in the drain things are very fragile due to stress and struggle.

I hope that someone throws me a life preserver soon, I'm not sure I can keep paddling much longer.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

How Do Dreams Die?

I don't think dreams die like you see in the movies in a blaze of glory, with explosions and flashing lights.

They wear away like the rubber off your tires. When you buy new tires they look great, they have every ounce of rubber that came from the factory. They even have the little "knobbies" on them from when they are moulded. Over time they slowly wear away, no matter how diligent you are in rotating them. Yes, rotating them prolongs their life, but they will wear away eventually.

Some dreams are stronger than others, they are like rock. However, even rock erodes under the constant flow of water, wind and sand. Look at the Grand Canyon, it was once a mighty plateau, now it's a canyon, carved with water; soft, cleansing water.

I think dreams die the same way, slowly eroding until one night, when you are look at your dream and it's mis-shapen, etched or just gone. Your dream is a mystery to you; how did this happen?

When we are young, dreams fill our minds and warmed our hearts. Some dreams are fulfilled others are forgotten, still others stick around but are warn away by this world, turned into an empty hole that just reminds us of what was once there.

It's only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and...
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat...
drives you mad...
In the stillness of remembering what you had...
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost

Dreams. Fleetwood Mac
"...Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:7-18