"Quicksand...something bad happens. That bad event leads to
another, then another, soon the feeling of quicksand. The more you
try to get out, the more it feels like you are sinking even deeper. "
I'm familiar with the quicksand...I tend to step into it a lot. It especially happens when things are going well. I just start to get my footing on solid ground, my steps feeling more and more solid...feeling confident...and then I trip.
Sometimes I catch myself and keep going, but other times by trying to catch myself I make things worse. I reach for support around me and I miss or I reach for something that offers little or no support. Other times there is just nothing there to reach for, I look around, swinging my arms, pinwheeling hoping that I will find something. Then, crash!
I fall into the quicksand.
At first I am somewhat confident that I can step out, but the quicksand is thick and the harder I try to get out the more I lose my balance. I reach for the sides where there is solid ground, but I miss or I just get grass in my hands. Then I try to take a step out and then I sink deeper into the muck. Now I'm up to my armpits trying to get out, but now I can feel the pit sucking me down.
My attempts to get out make things worse. My actions get more and more exaggerated and then I start making bad decisions. My mind takes what started off as a small stumble and turns it into the "worst case scenario" and now I can't turn my mind off. It's going a mile a minute, feeding me with fear and hopelessness. It's worse when it's quiet. For most people, they want solitude...to get away and think. For me, that's the worst thing, my mind is screaming at me and when I'm alone and it's quiet that's all I can hear...what I need is reassurance, caring...love.
That's how it happens. The rest is always different, depending on the circumstances. I want to cover up the hole - fill it with concrete...for good.
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