Now that the excitement of the last few weeks are subsiding for a bit, my mind has started to really process it all. Not unlike the first time I rode Top Gun (just this summer). I always thought that I would process each and every turn, loop, drop and twist as it came, but that's not what happened at all. It was all a blur until later. After making the decision to get on the thing and feeling confident that I would walk off of it in just few minutes I pulled the harness over my body and locked it in place and then just held on. The ride happened and I walked away...elated (and dizzy).
The rollercoaster took off and I held on for the ride. It started months ago when I realized during a choir practice that we were starting to practice for some "Christmas thing". Christmas was "months" away, I just sang along. As the months turned to weeks, I realized that it was coming.
I have been flooded with waves of emotion. One moment confident that this is where God has led me and I need to follow him without hesitation. The next moment weighed down by doubt, remembering all those years that we looked down our noses at those that put so much effort into celebrating Christ's birth when his whole life and existence was about his death! What am I doing?!? The next moment being moved to tears by the music and words of the songs I am singing. The next moment thinking about all those people that have been so much a part of my life for so long and how they would look at me now, standing here making such a big deal about Christ's birth...joining in with the rest of the world.
What brought it home for me was a song we sang this weekend called "Unto Me". It's an adaptation of a traditional Christmas song, but it brings in the chorus of the song "Blessed Assurance" and takes the message of Christ's birth and makes it mine, proclaiming
"...this is my story, this is my song...praising my savior, all my life long".The demons and baggage from my past are clinging on to me like an old dryer sheet hangs on to your clothes in the winter time. I'm going to shake it, but I'm still working on it.