Monday, December 12, 2005

Amazed, and brought to my knees...again

When will I ever learn? I'm starting to wonder how God will ever mold me when I'm filled with concrete...

I want to share this story, but I'm going to be vague with the details because it's just plain embarrassing.

OK, so I'm in deep again. I have worked myself into a situation that I just don't have any answers for and I know I'm running out of time. The weight of this is about to break me. Yesterday I was walking around in a fog, it was all I could do to go on with the the busy Sunday in front of me without falling down and losing it. My mind was very occupied with this problem. All day, I was praying to God, but often my heart was not in it because I felt I have disappointed him again...why should he help me out AGAIN? But, I pitifully asked again and again.

Yesterday afternoon I had a 3 hour practice for the upcoming Christmas concert at my new Church. I welcomed the opportunity to try to forget this and get it of my mind for a bit. However, during the practice my mind would occasionally wander back into the pit and my spirits would descend....

A couple hours into the practice I had to be out in the pews waiting for something on stage and my mind wandered again...actually it just collapsed and so did I into a pew and just laid down for a bit trying to squelch this depression. I went to God again, "I'm out of options, I need you to figure this out for me...please". I was just laying there and on my phone I get a text message from my wife, three words... "[they] just called". The very people I was trying to forget about for one day just called! Now what? They called on Sunday...this can't be good.

I was wrong...again.

When the practice was over I called my wife and she gave me the number and the name to call. I called. The man that answers tells me that he has some options for me and the he wants to help me through this....

As I'm driving, I just about pulled off the road as I told him that he was my new "hero". I have since talked to this new "hero" a couple times and we are going to work this out and I believe things will be much better than before.

He did it again. Why do I doubt? Why do I allow myself to get all worked up and allow it to negatively affect my life? HE IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL!

"But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift
up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy
hill...I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me."

Psalms 3:3-5

Lord, forgive me for being stupid and not trusting in you.

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"...Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:7-18