The king was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he said: "O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you—O Absalom, my son, my son!" 2 Samuel 18:33
Absalom, David's son, had tried to overthrow him...tried to kill him. To say that Absalom had disappointed David would be a real understatement. I can only imagine the torment David was going through, how angry he must have been...and how guilty he must have felt for being angry with his son. Even in the end, he did not want Absalom...his "enemy" to be hurt (let alone killed). Even Joab knew this, he tried to tell this to Ahimaaz who did not understand that the news of David's "victory" was not good news at all.
Instead of rejoicing in "victory", David mourned his son's death.
It's really hard to be mad at someone that you love in your heart. Someone that is supposed to be at your side and defend you when you can't defend yourself. For me, personally, it's like a storm inside my body, the guilt comes in waves (BTW, this is NOT about my son). Some days, I'm just mad and it's OK, I mean I have every right to be mad. The more I know about my past, the more frustrated I get. Then I think I can't be mad at this person, it's just not allowed! I must be an awful person to feel this way.
Lord, just give me the strength to trust you with this. I want to know your infinite mercy and be assured that everything that happens in my life is for your purpose and is by design. It's hard to understand (sometimes impossible), so I'm just going to hold your hand and follow you through this...OK?