Wednesday, September 15, 2004


So, I'm sleeping away in my bed and suddenly there is a strange arm touching me. It startles me, so I wake up and after I re-orient myself, I realize that the "strange arm" is mine! It fell asleep, a strange thing for my arm to do considering that it's never really conscious! It is now (briefly) a useless appendage, and it seems very strange because it doesn't seem to be part of me.

Of course, I realize that I have been sleeping on it strangely and it doesn't have enough blood so I give it some more by flexing it and eventually I can start feeling with it again. Now, this also brings a funny sensation...pain. The tingling in my arm slowly turns into needles poking every square inch...ouch! At some point, the pain subsides and I am back to sleep...arm working as it normally does.


That would come closest to describing my spirtual "mood" right now. It's not dead and it will certainly work fine again, it's just that I'm having difficulty feeling anything right now, just like my arm when I wake up in the middle of the night. I look at it and seems lifeless, I try to flex it's muscles and they hardly respond (if at all) and when they do, they move very slowly.

It's very strange, because (unlike my arm) this is a new sensation. Now, I am not suggesting that I have never gone through low points in my spiritual walk, but I may not have recognized them at the time (like not waking up while my arm is asleep - I can only conclude that my arm falls asleep more than I know, I just don't wake up during it). Usually I look back and realize, later, that I have walked through a low spot once I get to the other side. But, this time it's like I'm watching it happen - in slow motion - and I have little or no control over what I am watching. It's like those few moments when your arm is still asleep, and it's just not responding yet. It's like watching a movie for the 15th time and screaming at the screen, "Don't go in there!". You know what is going to happen and you are watching it, but you don't seem to able to control it.


I looked the word up in the dictionary and the definition was chilling. "Deprived of the power to feel or move normally...too numb with fear to cry out...Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent". Emotionally indifferent. For the first time in my life, I have no burning desire to be "at Church" ("at Church", meaning "going to Church", "going to the Church building"), but I have an intense desire to worship, however it's like my brain is telling my numb arm to reach for my pillow and there is no response from it. Normally if I want to grab the pillow, I think it and my body does it, but during that time of numbness, my arm is not able to comply.

Either is my body able to comply to that which my head knows to do. The words "go to Church" just don't mean the same thing to me anymore. My head says, "it's 5:30PM, time to get ready for Church...", but my body does not respond. It lays helpless like my arm in the middle of the night.


If my analogy is true, then when the blood starts flowing again and my body responds, then I can expect...pain. Woopee.

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"...Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:7-18