Maverick

OK, so lately I have something happening inside of me that I'm not used to. It's a strange feeling...what is happening to me? It's really weird and I hope that I can figure out how I'm supposed to wrangle it day to day...because I don't plan on letting it go...if I can help it.

I'm talking about that elusive feeling that I have only tasted for short periods of time, flipping end-over-end when it was quickly pulled out from under me like when you try that cool trick on a table full of dishes.

Self-confidence.

Dare I even mention it? I mean, as a Christian our strength comes from God...not from self. Ok, so I'll call it confidence. God is powerful and he has shared that power with his children throughout time. Why not me?

Lately, I have felt differently. I know that bad things are going to happen, but I don't...care...no that isn't the right word...I know that between God, me and my wife we are going to get through it.

But, that's just the icing of the cake. All my life I have been frozen with the fear of what others will think of me. Do they like me? Did I just make them uncomfortable? Never offend (at least not on purpose), never oppose, just go with the flow. Somehow, that's just not cutting it anymore. I watched my mother do that her whole life and what did it get her? I was a chameleon. You could tell what I was going to do by looking around and seeing what everyone else is doing.

This infusion of confidence has been hard to handle. I can say with a bit of certainty that it's gotten me into a few "tense moments" at work because I have decided not to just say..."whatever".

I have to figure out how to tame this beast, but not put him down...ride him?

God Is No Fool

I started another blog. This is something I have wanted to do for awhile. When I was in college I was introduced to a book called "God Is No Fool" by Lois A. Cheney. It is no longer in print. It's a simple devotional book that was the first to make me think in a completely different way about me personal relationship with God.

It is my intention to put all 99 devotions in this blog over time. I just want others to benefit from these inspiring thoughts.

God Is No Fool

Moving On Redux

Believe it or not, there are a few people that read this thing (other than me), although it's certainly not common knowledge by any respect. One such person told me the other day that they didn't understand Moving On... and that someday I would have to explain it to them.

Here goes.

First of all, it's just a song and not all of it really applies, but it certainly described my feelings at the time. Also, if you have ever heard the song, it's got some attitude and that's something I need right now.

Oh you know I did it
It's over and I feel fine
Nothing you could say is gonna change my mind
Waiting and I wait at the longest night
Nothing like the taste to sweet decline

I was down, I fell, I fell so fast
Dropping like the grains in an hourglass
Never say forever cause nothing last
Dancing with the thorns of my buried past

For me, this song is about moving on and moving on involves, first...moving. Going from one place to the next...a change. If there were ever a time that someone could "change my mind", that time is closing. Not because my mind is closing, very much the opposite, because it's opening! Because I have opened my mind to new things I see things differently and I can't look at them the old way anymore. Once I watch a movie at the theater, I can't stand to watch the "TV Version" of it because I know there's something missing. Besides, why would you care now, after all this time after I waited for you to question me before? ("Nothing like the taste to sweet decline"). Where did my "friends" go?

Yes, I fell and fast, but now God has picked me back up and instead of avoiding the past I am looking it over and realizing it was just part of the journey ("dancing with the thorns of my buried past").

Nevermind there's nothing I can do
Bet your life there's something killing you...

...Take a good hard look for the very last time
The very last one in a very long line
Only took a second to say goodbye
Then the pleasure 'bout the pleasure's
been mine, all mine

OK, this is a dig. But, I feel like I deserve to give out just one very subtle parting shot. This is after getting a call from someone from my past wanting to clear their conscience so they can feel better about themselves ("Bet your life there's something killing you"). No concern about how me and my family are doing, just concern for personal demons. The pleasure is mine and I love where God has guided me, I pray that I will always follow him...he has never let me down.

OK, there it is. Yes, it was a"moment of angst", what can I say?

Patience

LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.

Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.

My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?

Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.

Psalm 6:1-4

My God is awesome, one reason I know this is because of his seemingly limitless patience with the likes of an idiot like me. I disappoint him, time and time again and he still picks me up and blesses me...Why?

The Rabbit Hole

"This is your last chance. After this, there is no going back.
You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe.

You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Remember that all I am offering is the truth.
Nothing more."

"The Matrix"

"After this, there is no going back"... If you have seen the Matrix, you realize that once you leave it, that you can't just go back. Besides, why would you? In this fictional world, why would you go back after you know the truth about where you have been? It's not so much that where you are is Nirvana, but now you feel like you are where you are supposed to be, so why would you go back?

I've considered this many times in the last few months. Knowing what I know now, what would I do if I were faced with a decision to "go back". There was a time when I would have ran back as quickly as possible, but now I know a little more of the picture. I am seeing the world through my eyes, less hindered by filters that have been there for years. I can see.

Not unlike Neo in "The Matrix", when I first started looking around without the filters on, it hurt.

NEO
"Why do my eyes hurt?"

MORPHEUS
"You've never used them before."

Now, I ask myself. Am I a Christian or am I a part of "The Church of Christ"? The answer is liberating... I am a Christian...only. I am no longer bound by a name, by a group of people, but free to worship God as a follower of his son. Now the options are wider.

I have often dicussed my feelings about instrumental music in the worship service and I have always said that I feel that ACapella music is the best way. I still have a predelection to ACapella music, but now there's something else rolling around in my head. I have been searching for a group of people that worship God with an open heart, that love and accept visitors, that worship more dynamically (meaning that worship is not rote and memorized and cannot be merely viewed but must be participated). Maybe instrumental music is just part of that package, maybe it's VERY DIFFICULT (not impossible) to do this without it.

I'm not saying that you can't have a "dynamic" worship and congregation without instumental music, what I am saying is that having it allows you to have more people involved in it and more options available to you. That snowballs and as the momentum of more involvement grows and grows you end up with something you couldn't do before.

In my humble opinion, using instrumental music in the worship would be just one of the many tools available to have an engaging, participatory, vertical worship service. Just as "ACapella Churches of Christ" lean on that ACappella worship, I sometimes wonder if "Instrumental Churches of Christ" lean on instrumental music too much. There is a lot to be said for the quiet reflection of a single voice or group. On the other hand, I have noticed that good instrumental music in a worship can give great flow and help create mood.

For me, the bottom line is that I'm really not sure I could go back, now that I have "taken the pill" and opened my eyes. I know I couldn't go back to ritual and rote, I have plunged into the rabbit hole...